Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Don Juan in Helsinki: 1

Hey to all again, this is Likkanen. I have been asked to blog the story of my life, so I thought it would be a good idea to begin by discussing the remarkable genius of my designs. You could say that my craft partakes of the sculptor or even the painter, because in the old days, I employed plaster castings to conceptualize them. Nowadays, of course, I use a software program called 'Truespace', extruding from vectors I create on my Wacom tablet. Or rather, my excellent assistants do so in my production loft in SoHo. Personally, I now spend at least half my time at my condominium in Oahu, Hawaii. Lately I have felt a strange aversion for the sea, so prefer to Google on my iBook under the sunlamp. With my tan, my almost totally perfect American accent (and dental implants), not to mention my blonde good looks, I am often mistaken for a Dutch or German. I am not, in fact; I am originally from Finland. I wouldn't want you to think I am actually a 'blonde', either. I only look as though I naturally should be. You can think of me as blonde if you like. I am often mistaken for a movie or pr0n film star, and, to be truthfully honest, several times in my life I have been seriously begged to appear in such films. But I must always answer 'no'. My charisma is not the sort to translate well to the camera. I am not telegenital

Sometimes I get crazy ideas into my head! And when that happens, I'm no use to myself until I take some action about them. This of course is the secret of my many years of success with women; my optimism, my obsessiveness. This is also what makes me a great designer. Unfortunately, the idea that has taken root inside my mind now is that I will die soon. My vital essence was like an egg that has been broken and now cannot be repaired, just as the world was created in our great Finnish national epic, 'The Kalevala'. And as soon as this realization occurred to me, I felt no more desire for women any more at all. It was as if I had suddenly lost some sense I had always relied on, like vision or hearing. But not smell, because that sense has become far too acute now, to the point that even women smell bad to me these days! Perhaps that is also a symptom of the disease that is now robbing me of my life.

I am not the sort of person who enjoys illness; I have never taken time out for it before. I was always too busy and preoccupied. To begin with as a youth I was very ambitious for my art. But even in my art, I have lived only for women--many. many women, never settling down for just one. And I was always quite honest about this at first. Women say this is what they want, but of course, they do not. In fact, honesty makes them quite unhappy, so I soon learned to lie. Which has never come naturally to me, I must admit! LOL.

At first this idea of my death didn't upset me overly much. I have no family and am not religious. The value of my designs would only increase, and my business should do even better than it is doing now. In fact, I felt great peace inside, especially at the thought that all my pains would soon vanish. But then I thought, hey, what if they didn't? What if they became much worse, even unbearable? I have never liked or consulted doctors and have no wish to trust them now with my fate. A new idea came to me next, that I should take my fate into my own hands when the pains became too great, like the nobility of Ancient Rome or Japan. But when I thought about it further, I realized I did not want to die in Hawaii. The weather is never appropriate here. And that was when I decided that I must return to Finland. I did not plan necessarily to kill myself on this particular visit, but at least I would know if I could 'feel at home' there again enough to do so at some future time. And, of course, I would always have Manhattan.

And so I bought my airline tickets, first on Northwest from Honolulu to New York, then on Finnair to Helsinki. In between flights I would spend a few nights in my cozy flat above the company loft and catch up on business. Most importantly, I begin this blog journal or 'blournal' for all my friends and former lovers at the online 'social software' community I belong to,, which is like a Craig's List site here in New York, only much more exclusive (though I continue to disagree with the income requirement for women; I certainly would never choose a sexual partner on such a basis, as some of you lucky female peeps know for sure! ; ). So this is my very first entry, and in the coming weeks I will be filling all of you in on my trip back to Finland, on my life, my loves, and naturally, at the very end, my death. Although, of course, I will need a 'guest blogger' to post that final entry! ROFLMAO!

So it is goodnight to all of you now, but never fear! I will be logging on again very soon to jam into you every detail of my 'sentimental journey' back to Suomi, the place of my birth, the dark boggy land of the forests and the fogs. And, hey, you know what? Already I am discovering new and even more interesting things about myself--in spite of my customary coolness, I am growing a little bit excited at the idea of this return to my past. It is not a sexual feeling, of course, so such emotions are very new to me! To be honest, I have not been back to Finland in over thirty years. I was last in Scandinavia in 1983 in order to bury my mother at her funeral in Ostermalm (she was Swedish, you know, and from her I get my blonde good looks, though she was quite dark-haired). Luckily this visit coincided with a conference in Stockholm's Wenner-Gren Centre, at which I received a very prestigious international award (Google me to find out which one!). The thing I remember most about it was flying economy class on SAS. I would never repeat this mistake--thus, all my tickets for this coming trip are first class. This is how I generally travel these days anyway, but of course, since I am dying I have no particular reason to economize further. In addition, I have no one to leave my considerable fortune to. For a few days I toyed with the idea of leaving it to some charity or foundation in order to make the world a better place, but then I realized another feeling inside me with a sudden calm clarity. I don't actually want the world to be a better place! I am quite satisfied to leave it exactly as I found it. In this I think I am a true Finn. We always see both sides of every political issue, both the good and the bad. In the days when I was still using NYSpace for arranging sweet monkey sex with my hot lady lovers, I had to be very careful not to express this, because, as you may know, women in New York City are very liberal, which means they hate George Bush very much. To me, he is just a benign fatherly figure like our famous statue of Marshal Mannerheim, though I have never quite thought of him the same way since a certain former lover of mine pointed rudely to a certain place on herself one evening and asked me, 'Wouldn't you rather have this bush around the oval orifice?' It is a picture I could not ever quite get out of my head after that. Sometimes, these same women will say later they hate me too, so now I secretly feel I have much in common with the president. But it is much safer not to say this out loud, at least not in New York.

In Hawaii, on the other hand, I do not use the Internet for dating purposes. The only peeps here on the Big Island who are logged online day and night are old and unattractive. No need to meet them IRL! Not when there are so many lovely horny tourist ladies who come here from all over the world to enjoy a week or two of beautiful weather and uncomplicated good sweaty sexual relations with studly fellows like myself. And of course a week or two is the precisely correct time nature intended for a sexual relationship to last. I always try to live my life according to nature's rhythms; eating natural organic foods, wearing natural fibres, smoking natural tobacco, even bonking as long as the desire naturally lasts. One should beware of artificial additives. In the old days it was mostly German or Japanese secretaries who came here on packaged tours, but now one sees professional women from every literal country in the whole world--and all one has to do to meet them is go to any decent hotel bar and quaff a glass or two of a fine Merlot. They are looking for Likkanen. Some of these women are even married, yet they travel with girlfriends in groups of three or four. This is quite fashionable to do these days, yet whenever I am hotly and noisily bonking one (or, on more than one occasion, two) of them, I always find myself wondering, what is the husband doing at this very moment? Is he perhaps a gay blade? Is he out tonight having his own bit of fun? Is he off somewhere on a 'separate vacation', perhaps a sex tour of Thailand or Cuba? Or is he waiting beside the telephone, hoping this babe I am bonking will call him? I cannot stand selfish people; I enjoy thinking of others, so at any moment I am likely to let my thoughts roam creatively where they will in a sort of cosmical Buddhistic compassion. I freely confess I find this process deeply erotic.

I mean, I used to find it erotic. Now those happy, carefree times are over for me. But I wouldn't like you to think I am only interested in sex. Oh no. Many times, deeper feelings have evolved between myself and one of these former lovers, and often we have kept in close touch by telephone or email after she has returned to her dreary everyday life without me in some dank, boring country far, far away. And one time...well, yes, I will tell you this because honestly, I have no secrets. One time, I even went to see one of these women again at her home in the hopes that it might actually lead to a 'relationship'. She was from Japan. And that was most unusual for me, because normally I don't find Japanese women very sexy. Their legs are too short, and they smell of fish.

But she was different.

Next: Wedding Vowels...


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